It has been said that the Native Americans used every part of the buffalo. You think so, huh? Native Americans, allow me to introduce the Germans. Allow me to introduce Prater Biergarten.
Fundamentally it's a question of abundance versus scarcity, of creativity versus necessity. It's one thing to look at the dwindling remains of a single cow carcass and to ask "What can we do with this?" It's another thing entirely to look at a field of cow carcasses and to ask "What can't we do with this?" This, I feel, is the central culinary problematic of German cuisine: "How many different ways can we figure out to eat all this damn meat?"
Of course, there will always be Schweinefleisch, the root, the core, the trunk from which sprout the deviant meat tributaries of German cooking. Unlike the French, who feel the need to anoint every plate with a ceremonial offering of sauce, the Germans believe strongly in the side dish. There's something reminiscent of American picnic fixings here: slices of roast pork are usually accompanied by chunky potato salad containing apple vinegar, green onions and sprigs of whole fresh dill. Oh, also beer.
The big downside to pork and potatoes, obviously, is that the meat and the starch remain separate, which slows down eating, and slow eating simply will not do. Eating for Germans is like watching television for Americans: they're constantly looking for ways to do it faster and more efficiently so that they can do more of it. One option would be to take the meat and fill it with bread. Unfortunately it is in the nature of meat to be juicy and squishy, while bread prefers itself dry and crunchy. Wouldn't you agree that a much better solution would be to break the bread down into tiny, tasty pieces, to glue them to the meat and then to fry the whole mixture to golden-crispy perfection? If so, then you've just invented Schnitzel.
Of course, the only downside to Schnitzel is that actually cutting up and chewing the food still takes ages. And what is that on top, fucking lemons? You mean I have to squeeze lemons on this shit, then cut it up, then chew on it for a while and then eat it? Do I look fucking Italian to you? Why don't I roast some garlic for the next 17 years while it slowly and painstakingly transforms from pungent and hot to aromatic and sweet? Why don't I whip together some dough, then roll it into thin sheets, then slice it into strips, then boil those strips, then cover those strips in sauce, then twirl them around a fork for the next decade and then eat those as well? I mean, obviously I'm going to do that too because that sounds delicious, but in the meantime I'm starving. Let's mash some bread and meat together to make meatloaf. Actually, that will take too long to cook, so lets make Bulletten instead.
Ach scheiße, look at the time, I really have to be going. I'm already late for my post-lunch Brötzeit. Too bad there's all that leftover sausage, though. If only there were some kind of way I could take it with me, some kind of special glove that I could use so I wouldn't get my hands all greasy while I walk around eating meat stuffed pig intestine.
Of course this doesn't even scratch the surface. We have yet to talk about the seventeen different kinds of Wurst (Blötwurst, Weißwurst, Currywurst), the white-pink and red colors of the Speck rainbow, Sauerbrot and all the other varieties of cured and preserved meats. Suffice it to say that if it comes from an animal, the Germans have figured out one if not several ways to eat it.
I'm a little doubtful as to how my vegetarianism will hold up in Berlin. Are they aware that you can eat plants here?
Fundamentally it's a question of abundance versus scarcity, of creativity versus necessity. It's one thing to look at the dwindling remains of a single cow carcass and to ask "What can we do with this?" It's another thing entirely to look at a field of cow carcasses and to ask "What can't we do with this?" This, I feel, is the central culinary problematic of German cuisine: "How many different ways can we figure out to eat all this damn meat?"
Of course, there will always be Schweinefleisch, the root, the core, the trunk from which sprout the deviant meat tributaries of German cooking. Unlike the French, who feel the need to anoint every plate with a ceremonial offering of sauce, the Germans believe strongly in the side dish. There's something reminiscent of American picnic fixings here: slices of roast pork are usually accompanied by chunky potato salad containing apple vinegar, green onions and sprigs of whole fresh dill. Oh, also beer.
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| Above: Fucking yum |
Of course, the only downside to Schnitzel is that actually cutting up and chewing the food still takes ages. And what is that on top, fucking lemons? You mean I have to squeeze lemons on this shit, then cut it up, then chew on it for a while and then eat it? Do I look fucking Italian to you? Why don't I roast some garlic for the next 17 years while it slowly and painstakingly transforms from pungent and hot to aromatic and sweet? Why don't I whip together some dough, then roll it into thin sheets, then slice it into strips, then boil those strips, then cover those strips in sauce, then twirl them around a fork for the next decade and then eat those as well? I mean, obviously I'm going to do that too because that sounds delicious, but in the meantime I'm starving. Let's mash some bread and meat together to make meatloaf. Actually, that will take too long to cook, so lets make Bulletten instead.
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| Not sure that I want to eat it, but it's definitely food |
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| German Engineering |
Of course this doesn't even scratch the surface. We have yet to talk about the seventeen different kinds of Wurst (Blötwurst, Weißwurst, Currywurst), the white-pink and red colors of the Speck rainbow, Sauerbrot and all the other varieties of cured and preserved meats. Suffice it to say that if it comes from an animal, the Germans have figured out one if not several ways to eat it.
I'm a little doubtful as to how my vegetarianism will hold up in Berlin. Are they aware that you can eat plants here?
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